As we grow up I’m sure we all have memories of our fathers. I still remember how he looked in a police uniform, how his after-shave smelled and how after mom died he re-found himself and made amends with me as his son. As his son, I was also keenly aware of his shortcomings, flaws and even his sins and as a kid I vowed that I would never repeat those sins if I ever became a dad.
Sins of the Father
As a disclaimer before I continue, I loved my dad with my whole heart and was proud of him in so many ways, especially after mom died. But as a kid growing up I was more upset with him and had bad memories, that at the time, I thought far outweighed the good ones. What I never realized is that what you focus on, is all that you tend to think about and because I never had anyone show me how to focus on the good, I didn’t. Most of My issues with dad were “normal” dad issues. My father missed about 90% of my football, baseball and basketball games and I hated him for it. I know that is a strong word but all I saw was dads everywhere but not mine. A son always wants his dad cheering him on. My mom was the football and sports mom for me. What I never put two and two together about was that my dad had 2 jobs most of my life because he had 5-6 mouths to feed that entire time on a $28,000 salary. The sacrifice he made, he felt right about because a roof over our heads and us not starving took precedent in his mind. Did I honestly think that he didn’t want to be at my games but at work instead? He even tried to attend in uniform but would always get called away for emergency calls. I never gave credit for those efforts. As a teenager we assume many things and then add in the faults of our parents and make ourselves a nice upset pity party that follows you all your life. My biggest issue with my father as I got older was the way he treated my mother. Without getting into details so as to preserve my late fathers dignity and integrity, my father was not good to my mom for many years. To my dads (and my moms) credit, As they got older they made amends for that and were a happy old couple before mom passed. My mom forgave a lot and her grace allowed my dad to see his sin and change. She never gave up on him. My father however did little to address the hurt or the past with his kids. Thankfully do to a major flood dad was forced to live with my and my family and I got that chance to make things right as he apologized and we talked about the past. Now at that time, as a father of 2 I understood him way more and I’m thankful that I got that chance. I feel like my sisters may not have gotten that chance. Do not miss your chance if you still have it. As I got older, I vowed to never make the same mistakes as my father and never share the same sins.
So How Did I Fare?
“He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents”
Malachi 4:6
As I sit here alone in my rental home away from my amazing children, I think that answer is pretty clear. Starting at the beginning, even though we went to church every Sunday, my father was the type of Christian that was there because of his wife. He never really led the charge to be excited about church. I did love the chances to usher with him and other things because he led that part of the ministry but because I didn’t have a strong Christian mentor or anyone to tell me about God’s forgiveness, I ran to people in life instead of God. I put my entire faith and hope into my first long term relationship and it destroyed me. To make it even worse, my mom wouldn’t let it go and told me that I needed to forgive the atrocities and make it work no matter what because she did. Becasue I didn’t understand God and his grace, all this did was drive me deeper and deeper inside and the emotions bubbled below the surface. Coming out of the relationship I had totally given up on God and then I met my soon to be wife. I still recall how much I was afraid to commit to her because of the pain I just went through. That of course had major ramifications and hurt my wife more than I can imagine. But I still remembered my promise to myself as a kid. From the moment my first child was born, I was obsessed with never missing a school event, game, gymnastics practice or anything. Thankfully God Blessed me with jobs and a career that I was able to do that. I was devastated when separated from their mom the first time and I missed my daughters first MLB baseball game. A father should be the person who makes that first milestone happen. Things like that festered and bothered me for years and because I didn’t know God;s true forgiveness, ate me up inside. Even after we reconciled, it boiled under the surface. As we had ups and downs in our marriage, and added 3 more children to the mix, you can imagine the stress level changed. While I always made it my mission to never miss games or events or holidays, I began to forget the things that really bothered me about my father. How he treated my mother. I slowly over time and without my knowledge began to ascend into the exact same type of man that he was. I was quick to anger, slow to forgive and had a mouth that can cut you to pieces. As I sit here and look back now, God has shown me step by step how that happened and it makes me so sad because it was all preventable with a simple mentor who loves the lord and actually lives like a Christian. I could write a whole blog on this topic and God may call me to someday, but my family looked and spoke like believers in Christ, we put the kids in church, private Christian school, preached forgiveness and Love and then I (and they too learned from me to) not speak love with cutting words and not showing unconditional forgiveness. Our children are sponges and they see our faults. They saw my hypocrisy and they begin to make promises to themselves like I made to never be the same as my dad. And the cycle continues. As of today, I have one child who is so much like me that she refuses to forgive my short comings and sin, cannot see the sacrifices that have been made for her and is harboring that anger under the surface that is bound to burst forth some day when things get hard*. She runs to people like I did and runs from God. Thank God the younger 3 are so special that they see and forgive quickly. God has given me a second chance to keep the promise made to myself for the good of my children. I resolve to speak love, grace and forgiveness and actually model what I say to my kids for the rest of my days. Whether or not I ever get a chance to make amends with their mama is irrelevant because at a minimum I owe her love and respect and will treat her the way that I should have from the beginning. My kids deserve to see love like that! We are not destined to make the same pain and sins as our fathers, but without Christ, the likelihood is high that you will.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; He hears their cry and saves them.
